Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
