three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
