i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
