i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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