i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
