I haven't been this sober since birth.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
