Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
