I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
