Say something about gay babies.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you win again, gameday.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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