She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
