Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
