Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
