i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
