every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
