the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
