My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
