I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
