Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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