He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
