Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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