I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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