You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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