Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
