I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
