i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
