I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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