I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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