my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
