Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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