I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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