i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
