I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
