some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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