I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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