Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
