Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
