i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
