The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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