He uses pillows to masturbate.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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