I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
