I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
