he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
