I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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