i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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