I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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