everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
