Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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