So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
