i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
