Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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